The Emptiness Within Me

In doubt...thinking...memories...that's all I'm into right now while I'm putting into words all that is on my mind at this very moment. I'm back here again at the office from treating myself - a movie. What is that movie that I did watch? Well, it's no other than the so called NINJA ASSASSIN (did I spelled the word "assassin" right?). Correct me if I'm wrong okay...haha...Well, there's not much for me to do than to treat myself all alone. It's my break from work actually and there's not much to do than to stay all day at the boarding house - sleeping, eating, sitting, etc. my life is purely like a routine right now. I don't know if what I'm really up to. It's not like before...things did really changed. I really don't have any clue at all. I have no one to share what's bothering into me right now. I'm all alone. Yes, all alone. I'm far from my mom, cousins. But I still do have my brothers and sisters in Christ. Yes, my brothers and sisters. But they too are far from me to reach up to. I'm lucky though, for I got to know them but still right now there's still something missing into my life. Something really missing.

Have you ever come to the point that you feel there's something missing within you? There's what you call as an 'emptiness' within yourself. That somehow, something or maybe someone is missing in your life. Yes, someone maybe is missing in my life right now. I never felt so empty like this before. It's like you're in a room and all you can see is the four corners of the wall. Nothing more, nothing else. Is what am I into a sort of sentiments? Am I too sentimental??? Well, I guess so and I guess not at all.

I want to be happy...but I really don't know where, when, and how would I be happy. There's bounty blessings coming into my life but then still not enough for me to feel the happiness that I'm longing for. I wish there's someone whom could ease the emptiness within me. I longed for someone to care for me - someone whom would fight until the very end. Life is a matter of choice as other people can define. But did I really ever make the right choice - being the person I am right now???

I am strong. Yes, strong on the outside but weak on the inside. The reason why I am into doubt at this very moment is maybe after what happened to me last year. I was in great happiness thinking that I really did found the right person whom I can share my whole life with. My life focuses on that person alone and yes, things are on the right track. We are meant to be, I can say. We are indeed the right match. Plans are already made. The only thing needs to be done is the accomplishment of that plan. But...life is full of twist and turns. You might be happy today but tomorrow you are not. To make it short - that someone is out of my life anymore. I don't know if there would ever be a time that still we are meant to be. And now, the emptiness is getting much more worst than before. The feeling is too strong for me to resist. Some say "moved on", "that someone isn't worth it!", "he's not worth of your love", "forget it", "you can find other better than him for sure", etc. Yes, easy to say but know what it's really hard to do. How I wish it's like just a piece of cake wherein after you chew it, goes on to your stomach and then out of your body. But it isn't...isn't that easy at all.

Until when would I be on this state of mind? Until when would I feel the emptiness that you know that person is the only one whom could fill the gap to. I need to be strong...yes, for other people. But to tell you honestly, it might forever be this way. God knows what I am into. God can see into me the emptiness I'm feeling right now. I just hope that sooner or later God will answer my prayers. Somehow I just really hope that God can release me from the emptiness that I'm into.....

Missing You......

It's already been weeks...three weeks for the taking...that I haven't heard of even a simple 'hi' nor 'hello' from my guy. The last conversation we have was when it was a 'free call', as I can still remember. The 'free call' by SMART network. All you have to do in order to avail for such call is dial a certain number and then that's it. But after that call, here comes the empytiness in me. I am sad, yes of course so sad. He never even bother to know what's happening to me. We are distant apart. Far from each other. I can say miles, miles apart. But long distance affair is not that bad right? I don't have any idea neither a single clue on what's happening to him out there. It makes me lose hope that this relationship would no longer fluorish to the way we want it to be. Relationship without communication is useless. Somehow, I believe in long distance relationship that would last. But how would it last if there's no communication in both side. I really do missed him a lot and how I wish I could make him stay with me. But is it just for a simple wish? Everytime my phone beeps and I found out that it's not from him, I feel so empty inside. I wanna cry. I can no longer bear the emptiness and longingness for him.
Oh bother! Where is he right now? What is he doing? Who is with him? I really don't know the answers. I'm so lonely and in doubt. Can he still remember me? Can he make it up to me? What if for the whole month I don't even get a single message? What would I do?
He's all I ever wanted. I don't know if I can take it if I found out something. I just hope that I am wrong with what I am thinking. Without him is like a thorn in a bush. No one dares to touch it, afraid to get a wound and bleed.
Where are you now? Where?...