I was thinking though that I should utilize my time doing something. I am not a writer or even a blogger yet right now this is something I could do just to make use of my time. Besides, I was thinking that I am fond of doing my own journal – yeah, I once did create one but didn’t pursue it. A journal can be of help especially when you got no one to share your thoughts with. I might as well use my blog too for this. Right now here in a room, in the middle of early morning, I am still awake. Don’t feel sleepy at all. I am in front of my laptop – well, writing down all the things that are on my mind right now. With the help of melodies it will be good to patch up those ideas coming out from my mind. Geez, am I this kind of person now? Oh bother, I really feel very empty inside. With all the happenings in my life this past days, weeks, and even months I really don’t know if I can be happy.
Oh yeah, I am so alone and right now my comfort zone is the four corners of this room, a laptop and a microsoft word in front of me. Funny though but it seems that this is the only friend I got at this moment. Honestly, my life seems worthless. Yes, it is. I can feel it right now. Thinking about me in the past and comparing it to the present, it is really worthless. I am not really a good person as others think. Living in this world I don’t know if how I can bear it. You see, I have no one around to console me when I am sad or even there’s no shoulder to cry onto. I am one of those unlucky person here is this world. Oh bother, how unfortunate of me living now and feeling helpless. They say I am lucky. Yeah, I am maybe lucky in some aspects like having the basic need (shelter, food, clothings) for sustaining a life but aside from that, I am NOBODY. I am like an empty shell surrounded with full of lies. I am not worthy to be called as a daughter or a child. I can’t even return a favor from the person whom gave her own life for me. I am worthless that I can’t do what I need to do. Being in this world isn’t that easy at all, you got to strive for the best, compete if you must. But what do it has become of me now. I really don’t know. I even don’t make a living so how could I be called as living independently. I still ask help from my mom. Yeah right, my fate lies to be in this way though. I don’t know but when a mother tells her child that she’s already tired of taking care of you, it really means a heartbreaking thing to accept. Yes, I was badly hurt when my mom told me that. “I am tired of you!” and it still clings onto my mind. Whenever I see her, those words are coming back. Aside from that, I got no freedom at all. I can’t do what I want since I have no right to do it. I just ended up having an argument with her if I do what I want to do to the point that those unkind words will come back and will pop out of my mind again. I have no job and even someone whom would love me. It’s funny though, but at this age I really can’t think of what to do with my life. Even if I let myself be numb, still I can’t hide the fact that I am nobody and totally hurt inside.
I am one of those unlucky since I was born to be this way. I was born without a golden spoon on my mouth; experienced losing almost 5 lives (funny I am like a cat with 9 lives or somehow let’s say a gumiho – nine tailed fox…hahahaha); has survived operations and even diseases yet not happy at all. I also experienced falling in love and ended being dumped at all. I wasn’t able to have someone whom would stay till the end instead just let go of me and see me get hurt. And right now even a stable job is no match for me. From having a broken family, to not having a stable job and even ended up without someone to love me for who and what I really am -- I am really that kind of unfortunate. This is really now my destiny – having a life full of emptiness within me and just ended up getting hurt by those people around me whether it’s someone I learned to entrust my life with or with those people whom happens to be my family. I was raised for the sake of I guess nothing (how pitiful of me right now). I can’t even raise a living on my own and just keeps on having debts to my mom. I can’t even make her happy for the truth is I’m still deeply hurt by her. Whenever I see her wounding words just keeps on emerging out of my mind leaving my heart totally in pain. It’s like the pain I’ve got way back a year ago. I thought I could continue being happy but it’s a mistake though that somehow I want to make it disappear. But right now there isn’t anything I can do to make it disappear. I want to do what I wanted to do and yet I just ended getting more hurtful words as a source of inspiration. I wanted to be happy, be with someone that would make me happy and yet ended up being alone and in pain. All I wanted turned out to be not the way I wanted it to be. I am hopeless now; I can’t even make my own money. Aish! Such a waste!
A person like me whom is unfortunate with the life that I am having right now is I guess I can say the most precious thing that I can treasure now and accept wholeheartedly. One can never turn back the time and even if one wants to, it’s no use at all.
